


ketchup is not a vegetable

by theurbanspaceboi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Banter, Brotherly Affection, Brothers, Dean Winchester Doesn't Eat His Veggies, Funny, Gen, Injured Sam Winchester, Injury, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sarcastic Dean Winchester, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theurbanspaceboi/pseuds/theurbanspaceboi
Summary: dean's been in a lot of shitty situations, including but not limited to actual hell, but he can't think of anything more nightmarish than being strung by his wrists in a warehouse, toes of his boots brushing the ground, faced with either listing ten vegetables or perishing.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	ketchup is not a vegetable

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends,
> 
> yesterday i was merrily avoiding work by scrolling tumblr when i came upon  this  post and was struck with inspiration. this is the result. 
> 
> thanks for reading!

"uh, pumpkin," dean says, thinking mostly of pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread and pumpkin logs and jack-o-lanterns. he licks his chapped lips.

"not a vegetable," the vamp says.

dean's been in a lot of shitty situations, including but not limited to the actual pits of hell, but he can't think of anything more nightmarish than being strung by his wrists in a warehouse, toes of his boots brushing the ground, trying to list off vegetables in an effort to avoid death by fangs.

"pumpkins are veggies!" dean argues. "what the hell else would they be!"

the vamp chuckles. fucker. "fruit. pumpkins are fruit. come on, dean-o. list just ten vegetables and you and little brother can walk out of here."

sam is on the floor behind the vampire, wrists duct-taped, eyes shut. his neck is a mess of blood and scabs and slashes, and dean would despair if he hadn't caught the slight rise and fall of sam's chest. he's alive, and dean is going to get them out, dammit.

"peas," he says, confident.

"one."

"carrots."

"bravo. two."

this is objectively an incredibly bizarre situation to be in, dean thinks, but what the hell. his life is a series of bizarre events. who knew a god damn vamp would make him list off green things like a vegetarian spelling bee.

"pomegranate?" he tries. sam could probably rattle off salad ingredients like a champ, but dean hasn't consumed a vegetable since middle school.

"really," the vamp says. "really?"

"it seems vegetable-y?"

"it's a fruit."

"lettuce!" dean all but shouts. "lettuce is a fucking vegetable!"

"three."

"cucumber," he says, because pickles are close to healthy and he's pretty confident that pickles are made of cucumbers.

"four. i'm genuinely impressed."

dean grits his teeth. if the situation weren't so dire, he could probably rattle off a few more without totally blanking. fuck his uncooperative memory.

"brussel sprouts," he grumbles.

the vamp laughs. "five already! incredible. better hurry, though," he bares his fangs, "i'm getting hungry."

dean catches a flash of movement from sam. his fingers twitching, maybe.

stall, winchester, he tells himself. just a little longer and maybe help will arrive, or wake the hell up.

"hey, hey," he says, smooth. "you gotta give me a chance to get all ten veggies, man."

the vamp leans close, breath on dean's neck. "i'm listening," he whispers.

fuck.

"radish!"

"six," the vampire growls, and scrapes dean's neck with his teeth.

"give me a chance!" dean barks. "broccoli!"

"seven."

shit. he can't think. he can't think. sam is stirring, but too slowly.

"ketchup?" he tries, desperate.

the vamp genuinely laughs.

"ketchup!" he crows. "you think ketchup is a vegetable?"

dean glowers. "it's made of tomatoes, isn't it?"

"tomatoes aren't vegetables," the vamp grins. "they're fruit. time's up, dean-o. it was a noble effort."

dean grits his teeth and vaguely wonders if he'll be missed. surely castiel, angel of the lord, will notice a distinct lack of winchesters.

the vampire pounces, eyes bright, fangs glittering, and sam slices his head off from behind with the knife he keeps tucked in his left boot. blood splatters dean's face.

"jesus christ," dean says, spitting, because getting turned by a random drop of tainted blood on his lips would really be the cherry on top of a pile of horse shit.

sam pants. "you good?" he asks, cutting the tape from his wrists before cutting dean down.

"yeah." dean wobbles on his feet a bit, feels his sprained ankle and his sore, sore ribs and his aching old man back.

sam puts an arm around him, helps him limp. "ketchup, dean? really?"

"dude!" dean protests. "the situation was dire. how was i supposed to know tomatoes are a god damn fruit?"

"and pomegranates. you really said pomegranates. it's a miracle you don't have scurvy."

"who classified these things?" dean pouts.

"let's get out of here," sam laughs. "i'll treat you to a salad.

"fuck no," dean grumbles, but he privately resolves to occasionally try green things. if only to prevent scurvy.


End file.
